On June 9th Loren told me about a party 30 minutes before we were supposed to be there. I was already stressed from the work day before and would have loved to just stay home and relax. Loren really wanted to go to the party, since he'd been telling his friends he wanted to go all day. So I got myself ready, gathered Lacey, and we headed to Del Mar Beach on Camp Pendleton where one of his friends had rented a beach condo for the weekend. The moment we got there I told Loren I didn't want to stay long. He agreed.
Things were fine. Everyone was already in their little clique so I got Lacey out of the car and played with her for a while. Loren was busy drinking and talking with friends. I wasn't drinking.
At one point in the evening I got Loren to go down to the beach with me so we could put our feet in. His flip-flops had broken a few days before so he had his shoes on. I tried to convince him it'd be fun, but he didn't want to take off his shoes. So I played in the sand and got in the water.
A big wave crashed up and before I knew it, I was wet far above where I was planning. I ran as fast as I could to get out of the water. Loren thought it was pretty funny because he warned me.
After everyone had enjoyed the water, the men grabbed some logs and started the bon-fire. They had smores, which oddly enough started a fight between two of the Marines. (all in fun)
Loren was already getting drunk and we hadn't been there but an hour... Pre-gaming helped.
Everyone went inside and started playing drinking games. The volume got louder and the hour got later. I stood outside with Loren, but I could tell he was already wasted. He started screaming, jumping around, and slurring his words. Some more people showed up, but as those who were sober saw Loren screaming and jumping, they kept looking at me to tell him to cool down.
As I looked out to the bon fire I tried not to get anxious about who people were looking at Loren. Lacey had been in the car for a few hours and it was starting to get cold. I was tired of watching drunk people and just wanted to go home. Before the words could even be vocalized, someone tapped me on the shoulders. It was an older gentleman - a Master Guns. "Ma'am, there is a rule here that at 22:00 hours sound must be off." It was already 10:30pm.
"I will fix it, Sir." I told him. He walked away and I went inside to tell the host. They turned it down for a bit and then everyone started calming down.
I sat down in a chair and Loren shuffled over to me. He gave me this look...
I told him I was tired and ready to go and he tried to guilt me into staying until midnight. I'd already told him from the beginning that I didn't want to stay long. He'd been drinking since 4:30pm when we got there, and even pre-gamed during the day. I felt embarrassed, I felt anxious, and I felt trapped. I wanted to leave. "Loren, you can get a ride from one of your friends if you want to stay." I told him. He sat next to me and told me if I wanted to go I could go. So I stood up and left. I marched to the car, got in, and started the engine. As I was pulling out of my parking space, Loren swung open the door and jumped in. I was almost to the point of tears. He wouldn't even let me express how I was feeling. He just kept telling me how I felt, which wasn't even the case. He kept telling me I wasn't having fun because I didn't know anyone. I needed to stay longer and get to know people. Believe me, I'd met people. I loaned a girl my jacket so she could get some more drinks for her husband. I was more than willing to leave my jacket with her and just go home. Loren kept talking and it was only making it worse. I couldn't express a single thought. He would get like that when he was drunk. He finally said we could go. I pulled the car forward as he went back inside to get my jacket.
The drive home was us arguing about how he didn't even ask me if I wanted to go or not. I felt like my feelings didn't matter. I felt like I was being pulled along for the ride because I was his ride. I felt ignored. I told him how I felt and I later heard from someone that he was offended that I'd said that. Well, it was how I felt, I didn't say it was the case. Loren and I discussed how if he knew about a party or an event he needed to ask me. I didn't want people coming over every weekend. I wanted to spend time with him! There was no "us" time. He got offended and said "Fine, we wont go out or see friends anymore." I was frustrated that he'd act so immature about it. But I knew it was fruitless also to talk with a drunk. Loren and I agreed that he should ask me if I want to do things. Not just tell me 30 minutes before we needed to be there if he'd known and made plans all day.
When we pulled up to the apartment and went inside, things were a lot better. We'd gotten everything out that needed to be said about how I didn't want to be at the party and wanted to just have a quiet evening at home with him.
Terry, Dan, and a few other people wanted to play video games when we got home. Loren asked me politely if I would like to play. For the first time I felt like I was being considered in plans. It made me smile. I was exhausted and politely declined, but thanked him for asking. I told him I loved him forever and he told me he loved me too. :)
By 1am I put down the computer, kissed Loren goodnight, and went to bed with Lacey.
At 4am I heard a thud. It woke me, but I thought nothing of it. I tried to close my eyes and go back to sleep thinking maybe it was Loren just smacking the table out of excitement for the game. Lacey jumped from the bed and ran to the bedroom door whimpering. "Lacey. Come here. It's just daddy." I told her. She jumped on the bed, grabbed the blanket from me, and ran back to the bedroom door. I got up thinking maybe she wanted to just go sit with Daddy since he wasn't in bed yet.
{This is very hard for me to write, which is why I haven't posted or said anything about this until now. I'm shaking and crying as I write this.}
I opened the bedroom door and Lacey bolted to the kitchen. I looked around the corner and Loren had one hand on the ground, his face smacked the table, and his arm was resting under his mouth and nose covered in vomit. I froze. I didn't know what to do. He wasn't moving, wasn't breathing. "Loren?!" He didn't respond. "LOREN." Nothing. I sat him up, cleaned off his face with his shirt. He gasped. He looked down at Lacey and started mumbling. "lajsdfoihq nq i know..fasj;sadlf... keep house...;lsjdf;oiq3n... Lacey..lsakjf;qf..."
I picked him up and walked him slowly to the bedroom. He took his shoes off and then laid down on the bed next to me. I laid down and ran my fingers through his hair. He flipped over on his stomach and mumbled something again. I asked if he was ok... I closed my eyes and tried to sleep. Within 3 minutes I heard him choking. I sprung up in the bed and reached over to him. He had thrown up again all over the bed and was breathing it again. I pulled him up and into the bathroom. I had him kneel down in front of the toilet and he just started vomiting. I'd never seen anyone throw up that much. I sat against the door in the bathroom and silently sobbed. I didn't know what to do. I was scared! I started shaking and he kept throwing up. I got up and walked into the kitchen to look for paper towels. As I grabbed the paper towels I noticed the big jug of Captain Morgan we'd just bought. There was only an 8th of it left. I don't know what he'd been doing, I didn't know if anyone on the other end of the games heard him on the mic pass out or throw up. I just then realized Loren needed help. I didn't know what to do. I went back into the bathroom and sat down by the door. He turned around and smiled at me. I stood up and asked if he was done. He sat up, having been laying his head in the toilet supported by his hand.
I had him lift his arms and removed his shirt that had been vomited all over. He stood up and smiled at me. I grabbed his bathroom towel and brought him into the kitchen.
"Loren, I need you to sleep here tonight." I told him as I laid his towel down.
"Ok... Why?" he asked.
"Because you're projectile vomiting and you just threw up all over the bed."
"Hows about we projectile hang out?" he laughed to himself. I laid him down and told him I loved him. He instantly passed out. I worried if I should let him sleep or not. I went into the bedroom and removed all the sheets. Lacey said next to Loren's side the rest of the night. My hands were shaking. I wasn't thinking straight. All I knew is I was scared at how much he had drank. I sat on the bed and cried for a moment. Something made me look up the Marine Corps One Stop and I called them. I told them what had just happened. They asked if he was breathing. I told them he was. I then told them that while Loren was in the Marine Corps they had told him he was a functional alcoholic. The woman on the other line explained to me that of all the different kinds of alcoholics, a functional alcoholic was the worst. They have to drink a lot more and a lot longer to feel the click or the buzz. But that's usually the time when they're at alcohol poisoning and could die. I sobbed. She told me to stay up and watch him. Make sure he kept breathing. He also advised me to seek help for him. I told her I didn't know how to tell him he needed help without him getting mad. She then told me that the fact I was calling and crying to her on the phone should be reassurance that I needed to do something and I couldn't hide this problem. So with her on the phone she sent me links and told me to look up Alcoholics on the computer and stay up with Loren. I did. I printed the information I could find and tried to read to keep myself awake and monitor him. After the last page printed I laid down and started reading. As I read, the more and more things started to click... I walked into the kitchen to check on him. Lacey had put her toy on his back hoping he'd play with her. I stepped over him and looked at the bottle again. I cried. I grabbed every bottle of old alcohol that was left by his friends in our house and dumped it down the drain. He wasn't going to drink it, it was old and we were going to throw it out anyway. Then I looked at the bottle again. I looked at him. I wanted to throw the bottle out the window. There was no way in hell I'd let a bottle take the man I loved! I poured the remaining contents down the drain as well.
I texted his mom and asked for help/advice. She first thanked me for loving him enough to want to help him. I told her I could never leave Loren, I loved him far too much. He was everything to me and I didn't want him to die.
I laid down on the bed and cried... By 7:30am, I fell asleep.
The next thing I knew I was waking up at 9:55am and Loren walked into the room. He laughed and said "Apparently I laid down on the floor in the kitchen last night and fell asleep."
"I put you there." I said groggily.
"What's this?" he said as he grabbed the papers I'd left on the bed. My heart jumped!
"Because you couldn't relax at a party last night you think I have a problem now?!"
"Loren, you have a problem." was all that he'd let me get out. He laid down on the bed next to me.
"You have no idea what happened last night!" I told him. I felt tears and my body begin to shake. I couldn't talk. Loren doesn't respond to emotion. He told me to tell him what happened. I tried to shake out words but he was angry. I started crying.
"Why are you crying?! Fuck this shit!" He got up and went to sleep in the living room.
I cried for a few moments alone. I forced myself up, went into the bathroom and showered. Loren and I had planned to go to church that day. I got myself dressed, put on my new shoes I'd bought earlier that week and then walked into the living room. He was asleep, having used a towel as a blanket. I walked out the door and locked it behind me. I walked as fast as I could to the car and got in. Quickly I drove towards the church. Hoping that giving myself a destination would make me stop crying. When I pulled into the parking lot of the church, I couldn't even get out of the car.
"How do I fix this? This is turning out so wrong! How do I save this? I can't lose him! I don't want to lose him!" I kept telling myself. I figured if I change my attitude when I get home, maybe he'll be more apt to listening to me. So I got home, walked inside and tried to walk past, do everything as fast as I could so he wouldn't see my crying. He continued to blame the party for me being mad at him. That wasn't it at all! I wasn't mad! I was scared! All I kept thinking the whole night was "Please don't die! Please don't leave me! I can't do this without you! I need you!" Every time I looked at him I saw his face on the table, not breathing, swimming in vomit.
I made breakfast as he showered. I made coffee. As he sat outside on the porch I brought him some bacon and toast. That was all we had in the house. Everything fit together. He asked why I poured the alcohol out, saying he knew he didn't drink it all. "It was mine and I'll do what I want with it."
"So you think I'm an alcoholic because you couldn't have fun at a party?" he said angrily.
I pushed back tears and in response it sounded cold... "Loren, if you can't go to a party and hang out with friends without drinking, you have a problem. If you spend the day home drinking and are buzzed or drunk by my lunch break, that is a problem. You can have friends who don't drink."
"So what, we're not drinking anymore!?"
"No, Loren! I want you to be responsible! I don't want to lose you. You could have died last night!"
"It happens!"
"No, Loren, that's not normal! I didn't know what to do! I was scared! Loren, you need help! I will go with you to meetings or whatever you need, but you need help."
"Fine, if you want to talk about this, do it when I'm not still drunk."
"Ok."
He got up and left me on the porch. I cried. Everything was going so horribly wrong. I knew he didn't know what was going on other than me having not had fun the night before and then him waking up in the kitchen.
We gathered our things and headed to the beach with Lacey so the maintenance guy could bring us a new refrigerator. I thought things would be better with us changing the subject/topic of the day. Changing the environment or attitude. We played in the water and picked up sea shells. Lacey enjoyed herself.
By the time we got home, I thought everything would be ok. But it wasn't. It was like Loren was festering in hate and anger. I didn't know what to do but give him space. The feeling in the apartment was toxic. He sat at the table from 2pm to 9pm when I came to speak to him.
I sat down and asked him "Are you mad at me?"
"Yes." he told me.
"Ok... What does this mean?"
"I'm thinking."
"What are you thinking about?"
"I'm thinking if I should leave you the apartment since you have a job."
"You want to break up with me?"
"I'm thinking about it, yes."
"Are you not in love with me anymore?"
"Love is a floating feeling."
"Well, then are you in float with me?"
"Yes."
"Why do you want to end it?"
"Because I'm exhausted. I'm tried of you worrying. I try to be the buffer for you being worried. Calm you down. But I can't do it anymore."
"Loren, you know every time I worry, I worry because of you."
"I know."
"If I promise that I will work on my being worried, can we please try and make this relationship work?"
"Yes."
It was silent for a moment. "Do you want to sleep on the couch?"
"Yes."
"Ok. Good night."
I got up and walked into the bedroom. As I sat and cried I didn't know what to do. I put my shoes on and walked outside telling Loren that I needed something out of the car. When I got to the car I sobbed. I called his mom and left her a voice mail not knowing who to talk to. I called Stephanie. I told her the run down of the last 2 days and she was shocked.
"It feels like its over. He doesn't love me anymore. I know he doesn't. The apartment is just filled with hate. I don't even want to be in there right now."
"Let him cool down. Maybe it'll be ok tomorrow."
After I got off the phone with her I called my mom. She told me to come home. She always tells me to come home.
I got off the phone with my mom and walked back into the apartment. Loren was still in the same spot and I'd been gone an hour. I told him that the neighbor stopped me and wanted to talk. He didn't care. I went to bed.
That next morning I got up for work. I asked my boss if I could meet with him and he told me to come in at 8:30 and speak to him. I got up, dressed, and then walked into the living room where Loren was sleeping. I knelt down and he wake. He gave me one of his sweet Loren smiles I love so much and asked if I was headed off to work. I told him I was and he kissed me goodbye. I told him I loved him and he said he loved me too. As I closed the front door he told me to drive safe. Everything felt like it was before. It felt like we'd finally moved on from the anger.
When I got into work I sat down with my boss and told him what happened. I looked like crap. My eyes were puffy from crying for 3 days straight. (Friday from issues at work, Saturday I was exhausted, and all day Sunday, now Monday and I'm still crying)... My boss told me he thought it was time I left him. I told him I couldn't leave him. I loved him. And if this was something we had to work through, I wasn't going to give up on him. He encouraged me to go on my lunch break to an A.A. Meeting. So I packed my things and left. I told Loren I was going on an install and would be back in a while. My boss gave me the day off. He told me to keep him updated on what was happening.
While at the meeting I sat and listened to positive stories. I kept crying. I finally could no longer sit in silence and told them why I was crying. People stood and hugged me. They told me that no matter how much their family loved them, they never saw how they needed help until they hit rock bottom. They told me that I couldn't make them want to change. Loren has to want to change. And he will blame everything on me because he's not ready to change. I can't take it personally. They don't want to admit there's a problem.
I drove home after the meeting and picked up Loren. We went over and bought a pack of smokes at Walmart. The feeling of anger, hate, resentment, and invisible wall was back. I didn't know what to do. I loved him so much, but every time I'd tell him he'd respond back with "I know."
Around 5pm my friend Tanya called. I told her I didn't think Loren wanted to be with me anymore. I could feel it. He wouldn't talk to me, he just ignored me. He wouldn't touch me, he'd not say he loved me. Everything had changed. She told me to come over. I told Loren my 3rd lie... I felt ill. I'd never lied to him. I told him I was going to Tanya's to talk to her about Scentsy. I'd be back later. He was in the middle of making dinner and said he'd save some for me. As I walked outside the door I stopped and turned to him. "Hey!" I said. I waited for him to say what he normally would respond when I did that - the 'I love you'... but he didn't. I walked out the door fighting back tears.
When I got to Tanya's house I told her what happened and how I didn't know what to do. Everything was going completely wrong! She encouraged me to call him. I called Terry, Loren and my friend and asked him what I should do. He'd spent the last 4 years with Loren. He'd know what to do. He called Loren then called me... Loren wanted to end it. He wasn't happy. Terry told me not to be emotional, but to call him. Call Loren and just talk to him...
I took a few moments to cry then called him. Tanya told me everything would be ok.
When Loren answered he asked if I was on my way home. I told him I'd talked to Terry. He said he had too. I told him that Terry told me that he wanted to leave me. Loren said he wanted to. I bit my lip. I couldn't believe that within 48 hours everything would fall spectacularly to pieces. It was only that Thursday that we were talking about how we wanted to start a family. How he was going to go to school and then we'd try for a baby after the wedding.... The wedding! We'd only met with the bishop earlier that week - Monday - to see if he'd marry us!... Why now!? Why would it end like this now!?
I told Loren "Ok." and then said "I guess I'll stay here tonight and then come over tomorrow morning to pack."
He said that was ok and he'd help me pack.
I got off the phone and cried. Exhaustion over came me and I instantly felt numb. I texted my boss and my friends to tell them "Well I tried. Loren is done. It's official, I'm coming back to Utah tomorrow." My boss had told me I should take some time off and my job would be waiting for me when I returned. I told him I'd need a week, 2 max, but I needed to get my head on straight again. He said that was fine and I could even remote in from home to work.
I called Stephanie and she had me check my tires to see if it was safe for me to come back. They weren't. I'd have to get new tires in the morning.
That night I couldn't sleep. I kept tossing and turning. It always hurt to not sleep with Loren but now the pain of losing him hurt far worse. Around 7:30am Tuesday morning Loren messaged me to see if I was planning to go to work. I told him I wasn't and I'd be on my way to pack. He reassured me he'd help me pack. I asked if he'd pull the suit cases out for me and asked if we could do some laundry. He said that'd be fine.
When I got back to the apartment, Loren had gone. He'd left me a note with my bank card and the laundry card. He said he'd gone on a walk with Lacey and would be back in a bit. He also had made me some coffee and put my cup out for me. I couldn't touch any of it. I grabbed a suit case and walked into the bedroom. I laid the bag on the bed and looked out the window. A blue car rolled up and Loren got out of the front seat holding Lacey. He hadn't gone on a walk. I didn't know where he'd gone. I walked away from the window and started putting anything my numb hands could touch into the suit case. Loren walked into the room and stood on his side of the bed. "I didn't sleep last night." he told me.
"I didn't either." I replied.
"I just feel like a jerk. I mean, you're the one with a job. You shouldn't have to leave."
Before I could even stop myself my heart shouted above my brain, "I don't want to be in California without you." I bit my lip trying not to cry.
"Be strong, be strong." He told me and walked away.
I went to take a shower and gave Loren some clothes to was for me. He really did stay and help me pack. In fact he even came with me to get the tires changed, and get the oil change after I stopped by my work and got my check. My bosses assured me I'd have my job still and I would be able to work from home. I said goodbye to everyone and left. When I got back Loren and I took Lacey to close the bank account, get tires, and get an oil change.
When we realized it was too late for me to leave Tuesday, he said it was fine if I stayed home and left in the morning. I told him he could have the bed, but he was ok with the couch. I didn't want to sleep without him. In fact I hoped he would come in and stay with me. But he was finished. I took us for one last drink at 55 Yard Line and we toasted to a "successful divorce"... I know, sick and twisted. But I tried to keep it positive.
Wednesday morning he helped me pack the car. Lacey bolted and he had to chase her down. Lacey knew what was happening and I have no doubt she didn't want daddy to let us go.
After we packed the car Loren hugged me goodbye and I tried not to cry. I watched him walk back inside as Lacey cried and barked for him to come back. At 9:30am in the foggy, dark drizzly day, I left him. I cried A LOT that long drive home. Lacey sat in my lap the whole drive. After our first 100 miles I stopped and sobbed. I couldn't drive anymore without crying. I called my mom to check in...
It didn't matter that Sunday morning what I'd done... No matter how much I loved him, no matter how much I worried, in my heart - he died anyway. That's the reality I had to take home with me. That image of him laying on the table, I had nightmares for 2 weeks. I couldn't breathe at times and would wake myself wondering where he was. It truly feels like he died anyway... I don't know if he misses me, but I miss him more than I could ever imagine. Like I've told friends, this is a love that would have lasted me a life time. He was my person. He was my best friend. And I can't make him love me.
After I got home I felt like I'd made the biggest mistake coming home. Within 1 day I realized I wanted to come back. I kept trying to call my bosses but no one would respond to my emails or phone calls or even texts. By Saturday they did and I learned they hired someone else while I was gone and didn't want to revoke the job offer they'd given. Leaving me stranded in Utah. I'm trying to find work in Utah so I can eventually come back to California, this time on my terms... But I know it'll be quite a while before I ever can go on a date or even look at another man. A few friends have tried to set me up already and it hurts just talking to them. The thought of anyone other than Loren makes me ill... It'll take time, that's for sure...
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