What Really Happened...

Sometimes life takes you by surprise and you aren't expecting what is going to happen next.

On June 9th Loren told me about a party 30 minutes before we were supposed to be there. I was already stressed from the work day before and would have loved to just stay home and relax. Loren really wanted to go to the party, since he'd been telling his friends he wanted to go all day. So I got myself ready, gathered Lacey, and we headed to Del Mar Beach on Camp Pendleton where one of his friends had rented a beach condo for the weekend. The moment we got there I told Loren I didn't want to stay long. He agreed.

Things were fine. Everyone was already in their little clique so I got Lacey out of the car and played with her for a while. Loren was busy drinking and talking with friends. I wasn't drinking.

At one point in the evening I got Loren to go down to the beach with me so we could put our feet in. His flip-flops had broken a few days before so he had his shoes on. I tried to convince him it'd be fun, but he didn't want to take off his shoes. So I played in the sand and got in the water.

A big wave crashed up and before I knew it, I was wet far above where I was planning. I ran as fast as I could to get out of the water. Loren thought it was pretty funny because he warned me.

After everyone had enjoyed the water, the men grabbed some logs and started the bon-fire. They had smores, which oddly enough started a fight between two of the Marines. (all in fun)

Loren was already getting drunk and we hadn't been there but an hour... Pre-gaming helped.

Everyone went inside and started playing drinking games. The volume got louder and the hour got later. I stood outside with Loren, but I could tell he was already wasted. He started screaming, jumping around, and slurring his words. Some more people showed up, but as those who were sober saw Loren screaming and jumping, they kept looking at me to tell him to cool down.

As I looked out to the bon fire I tried not to get anxious about who people were looking at Loren. Lacey had been in the car for a few hours and it was starting to get cold. I was tired of watching drunk people and just wanted to go home. Before the words could even be vocalized, someone tapped me on the shoulders. It was an older gentleman - a Master Guns. "Ma'am, there is a rule here that at 22:00 hours sound must be off." It was already 10:30pm.

"I will fix it, Sir." I told him. He walked away and I went inside to tell the host. They turned it down for a bit and then everyone started calming down. 

 I sat down in a chair and Loren shuffled over to me. He gave me this look...

I told him I was tired and ready to go and he tried to guilt me into staying until midnight. I'd already told him from the beginning that I didn't want to stay long. He'd been drinking since 4:30pm when we got there, and even pre-gamed during the day. I felt embarrassed, I felt anxious, and I felt trapped. I wanted to leave. "Loren, you can get a ride from one of your friends if you want to stay." I told him. He sat next to me and told me if I wanted to go I could go. So I stood up and left. I marched to the car, got in, and started the engine. As I was pulling out of my parking space, Loren swung open the door and jumped in. I was almost to the point of tears. He wouldn't even let me express how I was feeling. He just kept telling me how I felt, which wasn't even the case. He kept telling me I wasn't having fun because I didn't know anyone. I needed to stay longer and get to know people. Believe me, I'd met people. I loaned a girl my jacket so she could get some more drinks for her husband. I was more than willing to leave my jacket with her and just go home. Loren kept talking and it was only making it worse. I couldn't express a single thought. He would get like that when he was drunk. He finally said we could go. I pulled the car forward as he went back inside to get my jacket. 

The drive home was us arguing about how he didn't even ask me if I wanted to go or not. I felt like my feelings didn't matter. I felt like I was being pulled along for the ride because I was his ride. I felt ignored. I told him how I felt and I later heard from someone that he was offended that I'd said that. Well, it was how I felt, I didn't say it was the case. Loren and I discussed how if he knew about a party or an event he needed to ask me. I didn't want people coming over every weekend. I wanted to spend time with him! There was no "us" time. He got offended and said "Fine, we wont go out or see friends anymore." I was frustrated that he'd act so immature about it. But I knew it was fruitless also to talk with a drunk. Loren and I agreed that he should ask me if I want to do things. Not just tell me 30 minutes before we needed to be there if he'd known and made plans all day.

When we pulled up to the apartment and went inside, things were a lot better. We'd gotten everything out that needed to be said about how I didn't want to be at the party and wanted to just have a quiet evening at home with him.

Terry, Dan, and a few other people wanted to play video games when we got home. Loren asked me politely if I would like to play. For the first time I felt like I was being considered in plans. It made me smile. I was exhausted and politely declined, but thanked him for asking. I told him I loved him forever and he told me he loved me too. :)

By 1am I put down the computer, kissed Loren goodnight, and went to bed with Lacey. 

At 4am I heard a thud. It woke me, but I thought nothing of it. I tried to close my eyes and go back to sleep thinking maybe it was Loren just smacking the table out of excitement for the game. Lacey jumped from the bed and ran to the bedroom door whimpering. "Lacey. Come here. It's just daddy." I told her. She jumped on the bed, grabbed the blanket from me, and ran back to the bedroom door. I got up thinking maybe she wanted to just go sit with Daddy since he wasn't in bed yet. 

{This is very hard for me to write, which is why I haven't posted or said anything about this until now. I'm shaking and crying as I write this.}

I opened the bedroom door and Lacey bolted to the kitchen. I looked around the corner and Loren had one hand on the ground, his face smacked the table, and his arm was resting under his mouth and nose covered in vomit. I froze. I didn't know what to do. He wasn't moving, wasn't breathing. "Loren?!" He didn't respond. "LOREN." Nothing. I sat him up, cleaned off his face with his shirt. He gasped. He looked down at Lacey and started mumbling. "lajsdfoihq nq i know..fasj;sadlf... keep house...;lsjdf;oiq3n... Lacey..lsakjf;qf..."

I picked him up and walked him slowly to the bedroom. He took his shoes off and then laid down on the bed next to me. I laid down and ran my fingers through his hair. He flipped over on his stomach and mumbled something again. I asked if he was ok... I closed my eyes and tried to sleep. Within 3 minutes I heard him choking. I sprung up in the bed and reached over to him. He had thrown up again all over the bed and was breathing it again. I pulled him up and into the bathroom. I had him kneel down in front of the toilet and he just started vomiting. I'd never seen anyone throw up that much. I sat against the door in the bathroom and silently sobbed. I didn't know what to do. I was scared! I started shaking and he kept throwing up. I got up and walked into the kitchen to look for paper towels. As I grabbed the paper towels I noticed the big jug of Captain Morgan we'd just bought.  There was only an 8th of it left. I don't know what he'd been doing, I didn't know if anyone on the other end of the games heard him on the mic pass out or throw up. I just then realized Loren needed help. I didn't know what to do. I went back into the bathroom and sat down by the door. He turned around and smiled at me. I stood up and asked if he was done. He sat up, having been laying his head in the toilet supported by his hand. 

I had him lift his arms and removed his shirt that had been vomited all over. He stood up and smiled at me. I grabbed his bathroom towel and brought him into the kitchen.

"Loren, I need you to sleep here tonight." I told him as I laid his towel down.

"Ok... Why?" he asked.

"Because you're projectile vomiting and you just threw up all over the bed."

"Hows about we projectile hang out?" he laughed to himself. I laid him down and told him I loved him. He instantly passed out. I worried if I should let him sleep or not. I went into the bedroom and removed all the sheets. Lacey said next to Loren's side the rest of the night. My hands were shaking. I wasn't thinking straight. All I knew is I was scared at how much he had drank. I sat on the bed and cried for a moment. Something made me look up the Marine Corps One Stop and I called them. I told them what had just happened. They asked if he was breathing. I told them he was. I then told them that while Loren was in the Marine Corps they had told him he was a functional alcoholic. The woman on the other line explained to me that of all the different kinds of alcoholics, a functional alcoholic was the worst. They have to drink a lot more and a lot longer to feel the click or the buzz. But that's usually the time when they're at alcohol poisoning and could die. I sobbed. She told me to stay up and watch him. Make sure he kept breathing. He also advised me to seek help for him. I told her I didn't know how to tell him he needed help without him getting mad. She then told me that the fact I was calling and crying to her on the phone should be reassurance that I needed to do something and I couldn't hide this problem. So with her on the phone she sent me links and told me to look up Alcoholics on the computer and stay up with Loren. I did. I printed the information I could find and tried to read to keep myself awake and monitor him. After the last page printed I laid down and started reading. As I read, the more and more things started to click... I walked into the kitchen to check on him. Lacey had put her toy on his back hoping he'd play with her. I stepped over him and looked at the bottle again. I cried.  I grabbed every bottle of old alcohol that was left by his friends in our house and dumped it down the drain. He wasn't going to drink it, it was old and we were going to throw it out anyway.  Then I looked at the bottle again. I looked at him. I wanted to throw the bottle out the window. There was no way in hell I'd let a bottle take the man I loved! I poured the remaining contents down the drain as well. 

I texted his mom and asked for help/advice. She first thanked me for loving him enough to want to help him. I told her I could never leave Loren, I loved him far too much. He was everything to me and I didn't want him to die.

I laid down on the bed and cried... By 7:30am, I fell asleep.

The next thing I knew I was waking up at 9:55am and Loren walked into the room. He laughed and said "Apparently I laid down on the floor in the kitchen last night and fell asleep."

"I put you there." I said groggily. 

"What's this?" he said as he grabbed the papers I'd left on the bed. My heart jumped! 

"Because you couldn't relax at a party last night you think I have a problem now?!"

"Loren, you have a problem." was all that he'd let me get out. He laid down on the bed next to me. 

"You have no idea what happened last night!" I told him. I felt tears and my body begin to shake. I couldn't talk. Loren doesn't respond to emotion. He told me to tell him what happened. I tried to shake out words but he was angry. I started crying.

"Why are you crying?! Fuck this shit!" He got up and went to sleep in the living room.

I cried for a few moments alone. I forced myself up, went into the bathroom and showered. Loren and I had planned to go to church that day. I got myself dressed, put on my new shoes I'd bought earlier that week and then walked into the living room. He was asleep, having used a towel as a blanket. I walked out the door and locked it behind me. I walked as fast as I could to the car and got in. Quickly I drove towards the church. Hoping that giving myself a destination would make me stop crying. When I pulled into the parking lot of the church, I couldn't even get out of the car. 

"How do I fix this? This is turning out so wrong! How do I save this? I can't lose him! I don't want to lose him!" I kept telling myself. I figured if I change my attitude when I get home, maybe he'll be more apt to listening to me. So I got home, walked inside and tried to walk past, do everything as fast as I could so he wouldn't see my crying. He continued to blame the party for me being mad at him. That wasn't it at all! I wasn't mad! I was scared! All I kept thinking the whole night was "Please don't die! Please don't leave me! I can't do this without you! I need you!" Every time I looked at him I saw his face on the table, not breathing, swimming in vomit. 

I made breakfast as he showered. I made coffee. As he sat outside on the porch I brought him some bacon and toast. That was all we had in the house. Everything fit together. He asked why I poured the alcohol out, saying he knew he didn't drink it all. "It was mine and I'll do what I want with it."

"So you think I'm an alcoholic because you couldn't have fun at a party?" he said angrily.

I pushed back tears and in response it sounded cold... "Loren, if you can't go to a party and hang out with friends without drinking, you have a problem. If you spend the day home drinking and are buzzed or drunk by my lunch break, that is a problem. You can have friends who don't drink."

"So what, we're not drinking anymore!?"

"No, Loren! I want you to be responsible! I don't want to lose you. You could have died last night!"

"It happens!"

"No, Loren, that's not normal! I didn't know what to do! I was scared! Loren, you need help! I will go with you to meetings or whatever you need, but you need help."

"Fine, if you want to talk about this, do it when I'm not still drunk."

"Ok."

He got up and left me on the porch. I cried. Everything was going so horribly wrong. I knew he didn't know what was going on other than me having not had fun the night before and then him waking up in the kitchen.

We gathered our things and headed to the beach with Lacey so the maintenance guy could bring us a new refrigerator. I thought things would be better with us changing the subject/topic of the day. Changing the environment or attitude. We played in the water and picked up sea shells. Lacey enjoyed herself.

By the time we got home, I thought everything would be ok. But it wasn't. It was like Loren was festering in hate and anger. I didn't know what to do but give him space. The feeling in the apartment was toxic. He sat at the table from 2pm to 9pm when I came to speak to him.

I sat down and asked him "Are you mad at me?"
"Yes." he told me.
"Ok... What does this mean?"
"I'm thinking."
"What are you thinking about?"
"I'm thinking if I should leave you the apartment since you have a job."
"You want to break up with me?"
"I'm thinking about it, yes."
"Are you not in love with me anymore?"
"Love is a floating feeling."
"Well, then are you in float with me?"
"Yes."
"Why do you want to end it?"
"Because I'm exhausted. I'm tried of you worrying. I try to be the buffer for you being worried. Calm you down. But I can't do it anymore."
"Loren, you know every time I worry, I worry because of you."
"I know."
"If I promise that I will work on my being worried, can we please try and make this relationship work?"
"Yes."
It was silent for a moment. "Do you want to sleep on the couch?"
"Yes."
"Ok. Good night."
I got up and walked into the bedroom. As I sat and cried I didn't know what to do. I put my shoes on and walked outside telling Loren that I needed something out of the car. When I got to the car I sobbed. I called his mom and left her a voice mail not knowing who to talk to. I called Stephanie. I told her the run down of the last 2 days and she was shocked.
"It feels like its over. He doesn't love me anymore. I know he doesn't. The apartment is just filled with hate. I don't even want to be in there right now."
"Let him cool down. Maybe it'll be ok tomorrow."

After I got off the phone with her I called my mom. She told me to come home. She always tells me to come home.

I got off the phone with my mom and walked back into the apartment. Loren was still in the same spot and I'd been gone an hour. I told him that the neighbor stopped me and wanted to talk. He didn't care. I went to bed.

That next morning I got up for work. I asked my boss if I could meet with him and he told me to come in at 8:30 and speak to him. I got up, dressed, and then walked into the living room where Loren was sleeping. I knelt down and he wake. He gave me one of his sweet Loren smiles I love so much and asked if I was headed off to work. I told him I was and he kissed me goodbye. I told him I loved him and he said he loved me too. As I closed the front door he told me to drive safe. Everything felt like it was before. It felt like we'd finally moved on from the anger.
When I got into work I sat down with my boss and told him what happened. I looked like crap. My eyes were puffy from crying for 3 days straight. (Friday from issues at work, Saturday I was exhausted, and all day Sunday, now Monday and I'm still crying)... My boss told me he thought it was time I left him. I told him I couldn't leave him. I loved him. And if this was something we had to work through, I wasn't going to give up on him. He encouraged me to go on my lunch break to an A.A. Meeting. So I packed my things and left. I told Loren I was going on an install and would be back in a while. My boss gave me the day off. He told me to keep him updated on what was happening.

While at the meeting I sat and listened to positive stories. I kept crying. I finally could no longer sit in silence and told them why I was crying. People stood and hugged me. They told me that no matter how much their family loved them, they never saw how they needed help until they hit rock bottom. They told me that I couldn't make them want to change. Loren has to want to change. And he will blame everything on me because he's not ready to change. I can't take it personally. They don't want to admit there's a problem.

I drove home after the meeting and picked up Loren. We went over and bought a pack of smokes at Walmart. The feeling of anger, hate, resentment, and invisible wall was back. I didn't know what to do. I loved him so much, but every time I'd tell him he'd respond back with "I know."

Around 5pm my friend Tanya called. I told her I didn't think Loren wanted to be with me anymore. I could feel it. He wouldn't talk to me, he just ignored me. He wouldn't touch me, he'd not say he loved me. Everything had changed. She told me to come over. I told Loren my 3rd lie... I felt ill. I'd never lied to him. I told him I was going to Tanya's to talk to her about Scentsy. I'd be back later. He was in the middle of making dinner and said he'd save some for me. As I walked outside the door I stopped and turned to him. "Hey!" I said. I waited for him to say what he normally would respond when I did that - the 'I love you'... but he didn't. I walked out the door fighting back tears.

When I got to Tanya's house I told her what happened and how I didn't know what to do. Everything was going completely wrong! She encouraged me to call him. I called Terry, Loren and my friend and asked him what I should do. He'd spent the last 4 years with Loren. He'd know what to do. He called Loren then called me... Loren wanted to end it. He wasn't happy. Terry told me not to be emotional, but to call him. Call Loren and just talk to him...

I took a few moments to cry then called him. Tanya told me everything would be ok. 

When Loren answered he asked if I was on my way home. I told him I'd talked to Terry. He said he had too. I told him that Terry told me that he wanted to leave me. Loren said he wanted to. I bit my lip. I couldn't believe that within 48 hours everything would fall spectacularly to pieces. It was only that Thursday that we were talking about how we wanted to start a family. How he was going to go to school and then we'd try for a baby after the wedding.... The wedding! We'd only met with the bishop earlier that week - Monday - to see if he'd marry us!... Why now!? Why would it end like this now!?

I told Loren "Ok." and then said "I guess I'll stay here tonight and then come over tomorrow morning to pack." 

He said that was ok and he'd help me pack.

I got off the phone and cried. Exhaustion over came me and I instantly felt numb. I texted my boss and my friends to tell them "Well I tried. Loren is done. It's official, I'm coming back to Utah tomorrow." My boss had told me I should take some time off and my job would be waiting for me when I returned. I told him I'd need a week, 2 max, but I needed to get my head on straight again. He said that was fine and I could even remote in from home to work. 

I called Stephanie and she had me check my tires to see if it was safe for me to come back. They weren't. I'd have to get new tires in the morning.

That night I couldn't sleep. I kept tossing and turning. It always hurt to not sleep with Loren but now the pain of losing him hurt far worse.  Around 7:30am Tuesday morning Loren messaged me to see if I was planning to go to work. I told him I wasn't and I'd be on my way to pack. He reassured me he'd help me pack. I asked if he'd pull the suit cases out for me and asked if we could do some laundry. He said that'd be fine.

When I got back to the apartment, Loren had gone. He'd left me a note with my bank card and the laundry card. He said he'd gone on a walk with Lacey and would be back in a bit. He also had made me some coffee and put my cup out for me. I couldn't touch any of it. I grabbed a suit case and walked into the bedroom. I laid the bag on the bed and looked out the window. A blue car rolled up and Loren got out of the front seat holding Lacey. He hadn't gone on a walk. I didn't know where he'd gone. I walked away from the window and started putting anything my numb hands could touch into the suit case. Loren walked into the room and stood on his side of the bed. "I didn't sleep last night." he told me.

"I didn't either." I replied.

"I just feel like a jerk. I mean, you're the one with a job. You shouldn't have to leave."

Before I could even stop myself my heart shouted above my brain, "I don't want to be in California without you." I bit my lip trying not to cry.

"Be strong, be strong." He told me and walked away.

I went to take a shower and gave Loren some clothes to was for me. He really did stay and help me pack. In fact he even came with me to get the tires changed, and get the oil change after I stopped by my work and got my check. My bosses assured me I'd have my job still and I would be able to work from home. I said goodbye to everyone and left. When I got back Loren and I took Lacey to close the bank account, get tires, and get an oil change.

When we realized it was too late for me to leave Tuesday, he said it was fine if I stayed home and left in the morning. I told him he could have the bed, but he was ok with the couch. I didn't want to sleep without him. In fact I hoped he would come in and stay with me. But he was finished. I took us for one last drink at 55 Yard Line and we toasted to a "successful divorce"... I know, sick and twisted. But I tried to keep it positive. 

Wednesday morning he helped me pack the car. Lacey bolted and he had to chase her down. Lacey knew what was happening and I have no doubt she didn't want daddy to let us go. 

After we packed the car Loren hugged me goodbye and I tried not to cry. I watched him walk back inside as Lacey cried and barked for him to come back. At 9:30am in the foggy, dark drizzly day, I left  him. I cried A LOT that long drive home. Lacey sat in my lap the whole drive. After our first 100 miles I stopped and sobbed. I couldn't drive anymore without crying. I called my mom to check in...

It didn't matter that Sunday morning what I'd done... No matter how much I loved him, no matter how much I worried, in my heart - he died anyway. That's the reality I had to take home with me. That image of him laying on the table, I had nightmares for 2 weeks. I couldn't breathe at times and would wake myself wondering where he was. It truly feels like he died anyway... I don't know if he misses me, but I miss him more than I could ever imagine. Like I've told friends, this is a love that would have lasted me a life time. He was my person. He was my best friend. And I can't make him love me. 

After I got home I felt like I'd made the biggest mistake coming home. Within 1 day I realized I wanted to come back. I kept trying to call my bosses but no one would respond to my emails or phone calls or even texts. By Saturday they did and I learned they hired someone else while I was gone and didn't want to revoke the job offer they'd given. Leaving me stranded in Utah. I'm trying to find work in Utah so I can eventually come back to California, this time on my terms... But I know it'll be quite a while before I ever can go on a date or even look at another man. A few friends have tried to set me up already and it hurts just talking to them. The thought of anyone other than Loren makes me ill... It'll take time, that's for sure...

I hate driving!

 Have I told you guys lately how much I love Loren? Well, just in case you didn't know, I do. :D This man is amazing. He has done so much for us, keeps the house in order, cooks and cleans while I'm off at work. Yesterday he did the laundry and cleaned the house all before I'd gotten home.

One of the most impressive things he's done happened just after these photos were taken. Our friends were getting out of the Marine Corps so Loren invited them over for a little pre-gaming (I didn't drink, I'm D.D.)... The choice was to go to The Tilted Kilt in San Diego. One of the issues I've always had is driving on the freeway. Sometimes I can be completely fine! But when it comes to me on the freeway in an area I don't know, I FREAK OUT. Sometimes far worse than others. I hadn't had an issue for well over a year, so I didn't expect to have a panic attack on the freeway. We were in the area. Things were good! And then, I missed the exit. My phone usually will re-route me, so I waited. Driving around aimlessly... My phone did nothing. It just said "Continue on Course." What's that mean?! The map drove me farther and farther past our location. The anger set in. I yelled at Loren. I had to figure this out! I pulled over after it directed me to nowhere. I tried to reset it... Connection Lost. My phone had died, everything was irritating me because I was lost, and I didn't know how to clam down. Then, it happened. I started to feel it... The walls of the car felt like they were getting smaller. My chest felt like I had a million bricks crushing me... I couldn't breathe! I started gasping for air and then Terry, who was in the back seat, instantly knew what was happening. He whipped out his GPS, looked up the address and calmly directed us to where we were supposed to go. Loren took my hand and kept telling me to calm down and just breathe. At that point I started getting tunnel vision so I'm surprised we made it without crashing. As I gasped for air and kept trying to blink the black fog forming away, we somehow drove to the mall, got off the exit, and safely parked the car. I cried. They let me calm down outside the building for a bit before going in. I was still shaking by the time we went inside to meet friends. I felt embarrassed. I felt broken. But Loren reassured me it was ok. He talked me out of it. Held me when I needed something to bring me out of the funk. Told me everything would be ok. :) Moral of the story... I still hate driving into big cities. HATE IT! Don't wanna do it! Would rather someone else drove. Just sayin. :P  That's probably why I hate L.A. so much. I don't like driving to big cities. I'm sure it's a lovely place, I just hated the drive.
Real Moral to the Story: Loren is my husband. :) As sure as I've ever been in my life. Loren is the one for me. :)

Offense

Life is full of moments when someone is going to be offended. Being offended was a big, BIG tool when I was living in Utah, for someone to disregard your pain or hurt caused by another person or group of people. When I lived in Utah I was offended by many in the ward (church group) I went to in Provo. At times it's hard for me to even think about going back to church out of fear that I'll have the same thing happen. I would never leave the church, I understand the gospel FAR TOO MUCH to ever leave. In fact Loren and I do attend our new ward at times.

One of my friends was having an issue with offense and didn't know what to do. She was directed to a scripture that I've heard many misdirected people refer to to justify their actions in being rude to someone. She was looking for clarification and so I decided to read the chapter again. Matthew 18. In this chapter Christ is speaking with the apostles about offense and how to handle it.

He first starts out by expressing that humility is very important. I remember as a child my best friend and I would get into these all out fights and then maybe 10 minutes goes by and we're back to playing and being the best of friends.

3. And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.

4. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

5. And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me.

Children #1 are quick to forgive. We usually hear that "skimming the water" answer in primary school, but lets "dive in" and think a little deeper. Lets look at who Christ was. We all know Christ was very, VERY patient. But we also know that he stuck up for himself and what he believed in too. Look at what he did with the money changers/bankers setting up shop in the temple! Tossing tables and using bull whips! WOO! GO JESUS!! Christ was KIND, not NICE. Kind means you lovingly guide in the correct direction. Nice seems to be you look past obviously discrepancies and avoid them rather than dealing with them.
So when I look at those verses and think I see that 7 year old me having a fight with my friend, but still knowing that she is my friend and I care about her and want to still be her friend. In that same way, I should remember that "receive one such little child in my name" part - these people are my spiritual brothers/sisters/family and there's no "I'm gonna sit on this side of heaven". I should try to look past the faults of others as much as possible and remember no one is perfect. (aka, try not to become offended)...

Moving on...

6. But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.

Holy wow! Sounds like the mafia there! A watery grave... mowahahaha! Basically if you're trying you darnedest to move on from something, yet they want to keep fighting, you're the one in the right. Not them.

But wait... My pastor/preacher/teacher/father told me I'm not supposed to feel this way. Being offended is a sin... Uhhh....

7. Woe unto the world because of offences! for it must needs be that offences come; but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh!

WRONG. You are completely justified in having FEELINGS... It's NORMAL. It's HUMAN. God realizes at some point someone somewhere is going to be offended. This comes with agency. But man, if you're out there being rude and purposely trying to offend people, you better be careful.

So what do I do? I mean, I keep having this same person - be it a family member/a friend/a neighbor/your church leader/etc... they keep picking on me. I don't know if they get it, sometimes they don't understand what they're doing. Sometimes they do. So what position do you take?

8. Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire.

9. And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire.^a

 That's right. Walk away. Get them out of your life. Move on. Attend another ward. Move. Stop associating with that person. Change your cell phone number. Block them from your social media. Do what you got to to get them out of your life. Eventually harboring offense and letting it fester and rot inside you will only lead to hate. Hate, resentment, and anger is not of the loving, caring, and supportive God have. Who are we surrendering our will to? Yup, old Lucifer himself. What is our purpose in life? To come to earth, obtain our bodies, gain experience through success and trial/failure so that eventually by our own choice we may come back to live with our Father in Heaven. He loved us so much he wanted us to have what he has. A physical body and a family. That's why we're here. That's why we do what we do. When you actually take a moment and look past the "here and now" moment and focus on the "big picture", you'll see that a lot of the little things you're obsessing over no longer matter. (helps me deal with stress)... Anyway, if we surrender our will over to Lucifer/Satan, we're giving up on that plan. Period.

Does this mean we're alone in our pain/sadness/hurt that people are offending us?
Let's see what Christ has to say...

10. Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, That in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven.

Their angels behold their face... What does that mean? We live in a world much bigger than the one we see. There are angels and sentinels (A soldier or guard whose job is to stand and keep watch) all around us. They have been appointed as such to write our doings in the Book of Life. This book or record keeps track of everything we do or say. (Another example of why we are not saved by grace alone. It is the grace of Christ's atonement and as we use it we are saved. We are also judged on our works/deeds/the things we do every day.)


But what if you know of someone who's let that experience harbor and fester and rot inside them. They've become bitter, angry, hurt, etc?? Then what? Does that mean they're an evil person? That the sins they may have makes them a horrible person now???
Speaking of Christ's atonement, check out what he says in verse 11...

11. For the Son of man is come to save that which was lost.

Still want more? He goes on...

12. How think ye? if a man have an hundred sheep, and one of them be gone astray, doth he not leave the ninety and nine, and goeth into the mountains, and seeketh that which is gone astray?

13. And if so be that he find it, verily I say unto you, he rejoiceth more of that sheep, than of the ninety and nine which went not astray.

14. Even so it is not the will of your Father which is in heaven, that one of these little ones should perish.

 There is no sin too small or too great that the atonement of Christ doesn't cover. He didn't stutter. He means it. It may take time. It may be something we may not fully understand how it works until we get to the next life, but it's there. He and his sacrifice are there for us. Every day. When we are ready to come back. Period.

So what now?

15. Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.

 This is a private battle. Keep it private.

If they wont keep it quiet.. then what?

16. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.

Bring a friend or family member who may be able to help you two work it out. Not continue the fight, mind you, but actually be strength in turning the page and putting it behind you.

17. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.

Yeah, sometimes having the church behind you helps cool things down. Sometimes the matter needs that kind of attention. If they still wont budge, go back up to steps (or verses) 8-9.
If any of those resources work and you don't have to cut anyone off from your life, make a promise to not bring it back up and both parties should do all they can to keep the past in the past. Grow from it.

18. Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.

 Your word is your word. Your bond/promise is your bond/promise. Meaning honor what promises you make. Remember, covenants/promises are a HUGE thing to God. Not to be taken lightly. Doctrine and Covenants 82:10 "I, the Lord, am ^abound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no ^bpromise."


 Back to Matthew 18... Here Christ is counseling that if you do have someone else come in to help settle things or are able to do it on your own, remember to make a mends in the name of God. Or in other words in the correct intent. Not to say "you're right, I'm wrong" and rub it in their face, but to actually do it to better each other.

19. Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching any thing that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven.

20. For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.

Anyway... Here's the scripture that continually is misinterpreted.

21. Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?

22. Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

Keep forgiving. It's better for EVERYONE in the long run. Why? Well, remember that goal we have and where we're going? That's why. We can all work towards that goal easier if we keep remembering those points. Keep the small things small. This life is hard, but it's worth it in experience.

Life is Good

A lot of awesome things have happened lately! The company I work for asked me to design something for a trade show they were going to. It was to be for a shower door and they wanted something to do with water. The image would be printed in 3D onto glass. So I took a day and designed the first thing that came to my mind. I'm so excited to announce that my design took home "2012 Industry Showcase Best of Show Award" from the NKBA San Diego Chapter, NARA (National Association of the Remodeling Industry, and VVSD (Veterans Village of San Diego). 

On May 15th Loren and I were offered a dog from some of his Marine buddies. Loren told them he had to ask me first. For a moment I thought about it. My family never really took care of dogs when we had them and I refused to have a stinky annoying dog. So I asked them to send me a photo of the dog. Her name was Miley and she is a Toy Fox Terrier. I didn't think I'd want her, but when I saw the photo my heart softened and I instantly told Loren "Awww!!! Ok, tell them we'll pick her up today!"

A few hours later we picked her up and she's been with us ever since. She is the sweetest little girl! She didn't like the name Miley (neither did I) and we started playing around with names. When I called her "Lacey" her ears perked up and she jumped. I knew then she was our little Lacey. She's 1 year old, full size. She was originally a rescue dog at 8 months. She'd belonged to a home of hoarders that had 150 dogs in a little back yard. Lacey was skin and bones, starved, and almost dead when they rescued her. The Marines who adopted her told us they got her and she has bulked up a lot.
When we brought her home she never had an accident, she cuddled right up, and wasn't bouncy or excited. She just fit right in with our relaxed attitudes. When it was time for bed she cuddled up between Loren and me and slept. When she's tired, around 10:30pm, she lets us know. She wants to be held, rests her head on our shoulders and yawns. Just like a little baby would. :)

On May 17th, I woke up to shocking (in a good way) news. My little brother had been keeping quiet about his girlfriend being pregnant and on May 16th at 8:51pm little Amelia was born! My mom says she looks just like I did as a baby... except she has a full head of hair. :)
I'M AN AUNT FOR THE FIRST TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)


Life is good!

BBQs, Weddings and Ron Paul!

We've been settling into life in our new place quite well. Loren has been spending more time cooking for us (fine by me! lol!) - not that there's anything wrong with my cooking, he just has great ideas and I let him go wild!

Loren cooking creamy chicken and rice in our kitchen. (5/1/12)

We finally had enough saved for a bbq at Big Lots! (I know, we're big spenders)

Loren cooking on the BBQ on the porch outside.

Since Loren's been out of the corps adjustment has been pretty good. I've tried to take him back to see his buddies as often as we can and invite his buddies over often. Last night Loren BBQed and his friends Terry and Campbell came over and spent the night. The boys were up til 4 playing poker and having a good-old time. I woke at noon, showered, then cleaned the kitchen. The boys were sound asleep. When they finally woke up around 1pm it was like watching the walking dead. ;)

After breakfast I kissed my man and headed off for some "me" time at the spa down the road. I got a mani-pedi. I've been working on growing out my nails and keeping them nice looking helps me not to bite them. One of the reasons I want pretty nails is that Loren and I officially picked a date for the wedding today. April 4th, 2013. :) YEAY!!!! My old boss, Michaela Moryskova offered to do our engagement photos so I'm thinking I'll ask her as it gets closer. We picked April 4th, 2013 so that we'll be able to save money and have a tax return by then. I'm hoping that we'll be able to fly up to Washington where his parents are and have the wedding at their place. Last week as we were paying off bills Loren called up the bridal shop and finished the final payments on my wedding dress. The dress is due to arrive on Tuesday. I'm so excited!!! :D

I've been having a lot of fun this week looking at wedding stuff. Loren is totally letting me too! HAHA! I'm trying not to bug him by always talking about the wedding thought. I don't want to be a Bridezilla. ;) I've come up with a few ideas either way that I'm excited about. Table toppers - 4" x 4" mini wedding cakes for the guests! WOOT! I found a cake pan that bakes 4 at a time on amazon for quite a cheap price (under $10) and I plan to test it out when it comes. Just get a few $1 cake mixes at Stater Brothers, frost them, and hopefully they turn out usable. Its gonna be epic.

On to other business, Loren is signed up for school at Mira Costa College in Oceanside, CA and plans to start in June. We're both very excited. Loren is following one of his secret life-long dreams to be a defense attorney. I'm very proud of him. It'll be a long road for us, but we'll push through! He's determined to do it.

On May 4th a few friends of ours, Loren, and I jumped into the car and headed to UCSD to watch presidential candidate Ron Paul speak. :) That man is awesome!

Seriously cool, Ron Paul!

We arrived just in time to see him take stage. There were quite a few people there. Maybe a good 1000 or so. I did my infamous duck and sneak to get all the way in the front. Above is one of the photos I took of him.

Anyway, it's time for bed. Must turn in and get some sleep before the dreaded Monday shows its ugly head. Good night!

Facebook Hystaria

One of the fastest fires spreading posts on Facebook recently was a comment I'd made regarding an evening spent at home yesterday. I was in the kitchen with Loren and he and I were in the midst of wanting to take a shot of rum. I decided that I just couldn't do the shot straight and wanted something to cover the taste. The only thing we had in the refrigerator was Smirnoff ICE. It's a citrus flavored alternative to beer... Though, when you drink it, it tastes like 7UP. Anyway, I whipped that out and made a mix of the two. Loren laughed and said "I feel sorry for your liver". At the time it was seriously funny! Normally you wouldn't mix the two alcohols, but it actually tasted good. Nothing wrong with it! There wasn't that much alcohol in my drink, so it seemed odd that Loren would say that. So since most of our friends knew Loren as a drinker, I posted what happened on my Facebook status...
My best friend Stephanie joked around a bit with me, but it was only a matter of time before the shit would hit the fan.

A random reader posted. "Are you a Mormon or not? You're being hypocritical."

Well, it started an all over the board fight because my stand is just this - I smoke. I drink. I live with the man I love and we currently aren't married (if we can afford it, we plan for the end of the year). I also don't attend church very often because I choose not to (due to a lot of shit I got from Mormons in Utah being prejudice - I'm trying to deal with that now)... Having said all that I want to point out that at no time did I say that I no longer believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ, his atonement, and Him being the only way I can return to my Heavenly Father. I will NEVER, EVER forget his part in the plan of eternal life or that I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father.
Just as someone may tell a lie or may take the last piece of someone's gum without asking - my smoking and drinking and premarital sex are also a commandment I am breaking. To the person who started the argument of my being a Mormon, to them because I was sinning that meant I was no longer able to confess my love for Jesus Christ or my belief in the gospel. To them I was being "hypocritical." I tried to get them to see that they were being nonsensical. A lot of other people tried as well. But, it didn't work. It reminds me of the scripture (according to them, I shouldn't be sharing scripture anymore, either)...

MATTHEW CHAPTER 7: 1 ^aJudge not, that ye be not ^bjudged.

 2 For with what ^ajudgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what ^bmeasure ye mete, it shall be ^cmeasured to you again.

 3 ^aAnd why beholdest thou the ^bmote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the ^cbeam that is in thine own eye?

 4 Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?

 5 Thou ^ahypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.

 6 ¶^aGive not that which is ^bholy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your ^cpearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.

 I may sin, but that will never change MY testimony unless I choose to stop having faith in the one thing that will cleanse me and the rest of the humane race. My sins should and do give me even more reason to believe the atonement still applies to me. PERIOD.

So now you all know. I'm not perfect. No one is. But yes, I am still a Mormon... No matter what other people who don't full understand the gospel believe.

Two Days and Counting!

T-Minus 2 days and counting! :) We've been busy!

Sunday was spent cleaning the apartment. Loren and I bought a brand new vacuum. It makes me giggle to think that it's purple... but hey, that's all they had. "Its whatever" At least it works! Our couches had been previously owned by a woman who had cats. She promised she's clean them before we picked them up, but she didn't catch all the cat hair. Our first few weeks in the apartment were spent sleeping on the couches. Loren is allergic to cats. Our first night, sound asleep when I hear pour Loren coughing to the point he's gagging. I jumped straight off the couch "Oh dear god, I've killed him!!" was my thought. He said he was fine. I made it my goal to get us a bed as soon as we had money. So Sunday Loren got the vacuum out and I vacuumed the couches as he vacuumed the rest of the living room. Not much traffic going on through out the place, but the vacuum kicked butt! :) No sneezes yet.

One of the perks of our apartment is a great balcony to just lounge around on and soak up the sun. While sitting on the porch I remember looking at my toes and thinking out loud "I need a pedicure."

"Ok." Loren replied.

"I'm gonna go get one." I told him.

"Ok."

"You're coming with me."

"Ok..." So we put on our flip-flops (everyone in California wears flip-flops) and drove down the road to the nail salon in the little strip mall. I was weary about going there, from the outside it's your classic, every day, run-of-the-mill nail shop... but when we got inside, I don't know where they were hiding the awesomeness, but woo! Loren tried to escape by going to the computer store near by, but it was closed so he came back. ;) I had them give us both manicures and pedicures. I needed it, heavens - I'm sure a man wearing combat boots all year long would need it too. I did however tell him if he picked a color I'd kick his butt. For myself, french tip gel manicure and red toes with little white flowers. Perfect! It was nice to relax and just do something for me (ok, yes that counts even though I got it for him too). All my co-workers lately had been telling me I needed to go out and do something for myself.

After our spa break and cleaning our search began for missing gear in Oceanside. One great thing about Oceanside when it comes to military stuff (C.I.F gear) is that the place is a gold mine. There's so many stores that cary it, we were able to find everything that was missing. For about 6 months now I've also been on the search for white shoes for my dad's Navy uniform. When I stopped into the shops in Oceanside I asked, but no one carried anything Navy - just Marine. All my Navy stuff would be found in San Diego... So now we're going to have to find some time to get down to San Diego for some shopping.

So after all that shopping I had to take Loren back to the barracks. :( I kissed him goodbye and he walked back into the barracks for his last week as an active duty Marine. (he will always be a Marine)

When I got home I had made an arrangement for one of the military wives in an online group I'm in to come over with Scentsy stuff. Can I just tell you how addicted I am to Scentsy? Oddly enough, Loren loves it too! So before I dropped him back off I told him I'd call him with how much it'd cost and he could cut me off if needed. (put the money ball in his court!) I picked out our new warmers - one for the kitchen, one for the living room, and a plug-in for the bathroom. Along with all that we got 6 bars. I still had more bars I loved so it was hard choosing what ones I wanted first. So I called Loren and give him the price of the first package and the price with the package plus the rest of the bars I wanted. He chose the cheaper route. (thanks, babe!)

So we placed an order and then I headed off to bed.

Monday morning the girl who had come over recommended I become a Scentsy consultant. I felt like I really didn't think I'd be good at it since I didn't know many people. That was totally fine! She reassured me that it'd be a great way for me to meet people and have extra money. Both very good things for us. I told Loren about it. He said it sounded like a good idea. So when we have the funds I'll buy my first kit and start selling Scentsy as a part time job.

Tuesday I had a stroke of genius while looking online at decorating ideas for our apartment. Every time I wanted to buy something I'd think "Eh, it's not really what I want..." and not get it... Meaning more time with naked walls. Not so homey. Then I had an idea... I could make something myself! So I took a logo I'd designed (I'm really on this big logo kick) and blew it up to fit a 24" x 36" poster frame. I added our names and wala! Custom home decor! Loren hasn't seen it yet. I hung it in the living room. And oddly enough, the whole thing cost me LESS than what it would have cost me if I'd bought some meaningless artwork at the store. I've decided to turn our living room into this awesome movie theater type room. Once Loren gets his projector (probably after he gets settled in a new job) I plan to buy some red fabric to hang up on the wall where the screen will go. That way when we have guests over we can just open the curtains and look who's awesome with their own theater! That would be us! :) I'll post my DIY Curtains when I do it. Yeah, I know. I'm having too much fun being "bored" in our new place.